in2 the groove

finally ive got a solution to overcome depression. while breasfeeding, listen to i-pod! it helps a lot, man...and i can never get enuf of anita baker and gin blossom. i love all songs from anita baker. the melody is always soothing and relaxing. it always reminds me of old times at boarding school though it wasnt a pleasant memory but somehow it got me thinking of the seniors. actually, come to think of it, some memories are worth reminiscing. the 'dating' after prep time, going goo-goo gaa-gaa over some popular seniors, the saturday night film fest, etc, etc. i could go on and on but i might have left some details if i were to start coz it's been 13 years since i left the school and i think my memory is deteriorating.
what i remember the most is when i was in form 2, there's this one senior who had a serious crush on me. (bukan nak perasan eh..) it's true! a big one, i can tell u coz she wrote to me everyday and she'd leave the note on my breakfast table every morning without fail. the notes would filled with lyrics from all beatles' songs. maybe she was a big fan of the beatles, i dont know. in the end, i got to find out who she was and apparently, she was sitting at the same table all along. it did thrill me coz i liked her too. no doubt, she was among the favourite 'starters'.
i can still remember all the dates i had with her vividly...sigh...it was such a nice feeling at that time.....................

a friend in need is a friend indeed

when u're sad, u can count those who actually care. like what i'm experiencing rite now, it surprised me who actually cared. one of my collegues whom i never thot would be interested if i was down or not, smsed me regularly to ask me how am i doing. that helps a lot coz at least it puts smile on my face . and one whom i thot would be among the first to care, did not. well, it didnt frustrate me that much coz my philosphy is not to have any expectations from anybody. that way, i wont feel heartbroken. that's life eh? i was thinking hard today on why some actually act the way they act rite now. it's not that i'm burdening some with my current mental and emotional state. why cant some juz listen and why cant some juz make a courtesy call to ask how i've been? i got different treatment during happier times but why the change of reaction when i'm emotionally unstable? i dont need any advice, i just need some to care, that's all. but of course i cant blame anybody coz they'll have their own set of reasons. and since i dont expect much, why should they care rite? it would ease a bit if i could pray and read the quran but with my condition, i cant do any of it yet. that's why i dont have many friends. i lost faith in friendship. it hurts too much if it's not mutual. i find solace in praying. whether my prayers are accepted or not, it's all up to HIM. at least i've done my part and so far, HE hasnt let me down yet. i'm not a religious person but i try my best to follow some of the guidelines. even if HE let me down, i accept it as fate. friends couldnt care less?
well, always look at the bright side, my friend...........
ALWAYS look at the bright side..............

feeling better

omar is 2 weeks' old now. and since i'm in much better shape, i think i should be okay. handling 2 kids at one go is no easy task. it's true i receive help from mum and mum's maid but when at night, i'm on my own. rania still wants to sleep with me despite limited space. she'll wake up at 5 in the morning and i'll be woken up by her silent sobbings. in the end, i'll let her sleep at my feet coz that's the only space i could offer. she'll take it nonetheless. i'll be miserable in the morning coz i hafta bathe rania, breastfeed omar, make sure hubby got his breakfast and coffee, and at the same time, i hafta keep the house clean. i guess that's the price u pay when u become a mother and wife. i cant wait to start work coz i think i need some familiarity with what i've done before i gave birth so that i would stay sane.

rania

i've been emotional lately. i had the same feeling 4 years back when i gave birth to rania. this post-partum depression is killing me. i pity rania coz everytime she wants something, i'd be bz attending to omar's needs. she is so used of hanging out with me coz we're so closed but for the past 2 weeks, i cant give her full attention and cant even fulfill her simple needs. omar needs milk all the time and i have to fulfill that. when rania asked me to prepare milk for her, i feel very sad for not being able to do it for her. sometimes i cry myself to sleep coz it hurts to see that rania sleeps alone now. one night, i woke up and see her sleeping alone and my tears juz wont stop from streaming down. i hugged her and carried her to my bed. i dont care if three's a crowd but i juz need her to feel safe again in my arms. she was surprised to see me crying in the middle of the night and she shed some tears too. see? how can i not pay attention to this girl?

OMAR, my precious..........

i have safely given birth to the most adorable baby boy on monday, 12th june 2006, 8.59a.m.
after enduring pain and trauma of another c-sect, i was relieved to see that Omar is healthy. i stopped going to work on wednesday coz i know i only have 5 days to spend as much time as possible with rania. so thursday, went out to ou to buy last minute stuff and to run a few errands. i havent been to ou for such a long time and when i finally did especially with rania in tow, i was so happy to be able to spend time with her. i did my hair the same day coz i still wanna look good during confinement. hehe.
on sunday, i was very, very quiet and hubby said i had the same look 4 years ago when i wanted to give birth to rania. ate everything i could get my hands on and tried to search for my favourite pisang nipah goreng but they were not at the usual place. how frustrating...
nighttime came and by 10.00p.m, i was already at the hospital. that was the last sleep i had with a bulging tummy. i couldnt sleep well that night coz i was so nervous and scared. i did encounter some panic-attack when they wheeled me into operating theater. i threw up so many times, they couldnt start cutting up my tummy. everything was fine when i saw hubby and held his hand as tight as i could. 20 minutes later, i heard his cries.
that was all i needed to hear...

tick, tock, tick, tock

promised a friend i'd uupdate my blog yesterday but obviously, i didnt. after last med check-up with gynae yesterday, decided to take a long nap. tomorrow's the day where i have to be admitted and wait till the next morning for the doc to cut me. a bit nervous no doubt. more like thinking of how the baby would look like. will he be ok? will he look exactly like his sister or total opposite? the guessing game is killing me.
cutting means i hafta stay at the hospital for at least 4 days. i hate it coz the room is cold and i cant take proper bath. when i gave birth to rania, a friend who visited commented how i smelled and it wasnt a nice smell. (sape2 yg keje rhb tu, ingat tak?) hehe
at the moment, mum is preparing all sorts of food for me to consume. jagung rebus with your own dressing i.e. extra butter and salt, homemade karipap which she wont sell for less than rm1.00 a piece, asam pedas, the list goes on.
hubby slept very late last nite. world cup fever. do not separate those two. in the mean time, i'll juz wait in anticipation for the arrival of a new bundle of joy.

last day at work

i decided to stop going to work today. thot i could continue until friday but my body cant take it. it's so heavy to carry my bulging belly around anymore. so, wrote a few notes to my roommate juz in case if certain things need to be done. but i hope the market will stay sideline until i finish my confinement. so that i wont miss the boat. hehe. at 11 am, i went back and took a nap. it felt so good when i woke up.
at least tomorrow i can still do some last-minute shopping and that means, more time to spend with rania. she's so happy when i told her that i'm not going to work for a long, long time.
oh, it feels good not having to go to work tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, and the day after.......

humble lesson

we have this one lady who cleans up our office on a daily basis. she is so nice and kind that i see some taking advantage of her. her job scope is to empty the thrash, vacuum, make sure the pantry is clean all the time and other things that i may not know of. but some who took advantage, asked her to tapau food and it could be anything and that means, she has to run here and there. i've spoken to her many times and i got to know that she works 7 days a week. she has no off-day and today, her babysitter wasnt around. so, she took along her 2-year-old girl to our office and the girl follows her everywhere without any complaints. i feel for this lady coz i cant imagine myself being in her place and cant even imagine rania following me, observing me emptying the thrash. what was on the girl's mind when she sees that her mother cleans up while ppl like me sit back and relax, enjoying the air-conditioned room, always thinking that somebody's gonna empty my thrash? when i look at the little girl, i keep thinking of rania and how privileged she is rite now...

counting the days

i'm going to deliver soon. it's a matter of days now. a bit nervous but at the same time, quite excited. my feet gets swollen from water-retention easily now. i 'm a bit tired but i still have things to do at the office. over the weekend, mum and dad helped me to clean-up the house. dad's role was to carry heavy stuff and mum's was to rearrange the room downstairs. gonna make that room as a confinement room. the room looks much better now but i still need a few things. like a sofabed maybe...thank god ikea is juz nearby. rania was really looking forward to saturday coz she knows i dont have to go to the office and she likes it when i'm at home. touching huh? so, she did help me with some gardening and when i started to take out all the old stuff to be used, she got excited. she put 'bobi', 'acun' and 'ace' in the carseat, bouncinet, everything, u name it.
spoke to a friend who's down south over the phone this morning. she's getting a divorce, and so is her mum. it's a very long story but it makes me feel blessed at where i am today. i was juz wondering...is divorce fated? so many reasons for ppl to get divorced but can it be prevented?
is this among the reasons why most girls now prefer to stay single?

the chronicles of RANIA

my business has been doing very well. i thank God for the 'rezeki' that He has given me. it's good timing coz i'll be needing the money in time for my delivery. rania juz received a late birthday gift from my sis. it's a dress similar to what 'odette' wears in 'swan lake'. odette is her favourite character. i dont know why but i assume it's bcoz swan lake was her first barbie cd. odette's prince is prince daniel but do not mention the name coz she'll blush. so today, early morning she asked mum to bathe her coz she juz cant wait to wear the dress. and the funny part was when i was getting ready to go to work, she said she wanted to go down with me and when i asked why, it's bcoz she needs to show her dress to everybody. kronik tak?
sometimes i laugh at whatever that comes out from her mouth. EGs :

me : hari ni jadik princess apa?
rania : erm...(putting on her thinking cap)... hari ni jadik princess odette.
me : mummy jadik apa hari ni?
rania : erm...hari ni mummy jadik princess gemok...
me : (sedih...)

mak : mak tak pahamla kenapa nak kena pakai banyak benda kat rambut tu.
rania : lama2 esok mak pahamla...
mak : ???